Balance

my battle with perfectionism

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I have reached a point in my life where I am very aware that I can be my own worst enemy. I am struggling with finding the balance between being the best version of myself versus a perfect version of myself. In particular, as a Virgo ♍ dancer, I am plagued with ideas of success that aren’t my own. This reach and strive for perfection makes my expression of art less enjoyable because I am so focused on every single minute detail. It's interesting because at parties I am wild, free and void of any self-doubt. In contrast, when I get on stage to perform in front of an audience it is a different story. One mistake and I immediately beat myself up over it. I abhor failure but why do I see my mistakes as failures? Did I just give up and run off stage? No, so is it equated to failure. Full circle 🔄 back to my self-discipline blog; it's about a change of perspective. Why must I let my mistakes define me? The focus should be that I pushed through and continue on to finish the performance that shows the resiliency in my character.

 
Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there’s no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal.
— Brene Brown
 
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However, easier said than done. Perfectionism is an excuse!!! An excuse to give up, stop, cancel, not finish. Why because nothing will ever be good enough, you will never be satisfied with yourself or the end product. So, why bother? This is a dangerous road to be on because you will end up lost and unhappy, speaking from experience (till this day😩). Perfectionists are afraid of one thing: TRYING! We hate to try because we are afraid of failure. Welp 🤷, it's time to grow up and suck it up(talking to myself here 🤦‍♀️) view your failures as successes because it brought you the knowledge you weren’t privy to before and it enables you to grow. In my opinion, this fear of failure is rooted in deep underlying insecurities we artists/Virgos discover it hard to pinpoint and acknowledge. Also, for people of Caribbean descent, there is a constant pressure of making sure you're a success. I can speak for my Haitian grandparent's success= a stable job, married, kids and house. As for my mom, she wants to make sure I have health insurance and a 401K. I am learning that I need to define success as it fits for me because I have accomplished a lot in my life in relation to dance but unfortunately I still don’t feel successful. Also, can you be mad if you don’t do the work? NO! Do the work. Perfectionism will hinder you from living your life and enjoying experiences. You will never learn resilience and acceptance only hyper-stress. It is okay to desire and challenge yourself but not to a breaking point where there is no longer educational or individual value within that experience/project.

My solution is to create a plan of action and work on changing my verbiage specifically to how I see myself when creating and also as an individual. I say this because my perfectionist issues come out in all aspecets of my life, i.e. when I post pictures on Instagram, creating websites, etc. This plan of action will target and tackle all areas. You can create a plan for yourself but here is an example of mine.

✍📝📋

Objective: Finding/ achieving a balance between the two extremes of perfectionism & procrastination.

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  1. Redefining success

    • Spend time with me and really delve into and discovering my greatness and validation from self. Finding confidence and self-assurance from within.

  2. Change the perspective of my mistakes by immediately changing the narrative out loud.

    • Weekly affirmations.

  3. Journaling every day.

    • Setting intentions.

  4. Meditation. (Therapy)

  5. Intensive dance workshops. (you also need goals specific to your craft but it needs to be realistic)

  6. Being aware of when I have crossed the line into a perfectionist territory with my endeavors & distinguishing the difference between the two.

    • Finding beauty or inspiration in the mistakes.

    • Viewing mistakes as a learning opportunity as opposed to a failure. A Failed success.

    • Finding a sense of peace when the work is complete mistakes or no mistakes.

  7. Practicing accountability and self-awareness daily.

Well, you get the gist. I've been involved in this do-si-do with dance because every time there was an obstacle in my way I gave up. Whether it be my back spasms or the fact that there wasn’t much opportunity for a dancer in Florida. At 27 years of age, I no longer have that option it's either I’m going to do it or I’m not. My perfectionism has held me back because I was mourning over the fact that I would not be the perfect ballerina in an established well-known company. Well, as you get older, you have to adjust and not change but evolve your dreams. Perfectionism is an obsession you focus on which actually detracts and distracts you from your experience.

Don’t allow a fictional or non-existent state of being become your defeatist.
— Ashanti Emmanuel 😉

A continuous work in progress, seeking harmony and peace ☯. In order to achieve the ultimate state of balance mental, physical, and spiritual.

 
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Till next time lovelies; the only failure is in not trying. 😘